She put it perfectly, my Liz. My dear friend. There’s nobody on this Earth that understands me like she does. “We think in circles, and sometimes, we can’t stop.”
No, we can’t. And those who don’t deal with anxiety don’t truly understand how frustrating, heartbreaking, exhausting it is. It’s physically painful. I get headaches. I get overtired. My eyes begin to hurt from crying so much. It’s the worst feeling in the entire world.
Do you know how damn frustrating it is, to have your mind race a million miles a minute? To have thoughts that go round and round and you can’t stop them, no matter how many anxiety tools you’re using? I have a BILLION THOUGHTS running through my head at all times, so if you ask me the one thing that’s bothering me, I can’t answer you. It’s everything. The thoughts rotate and cycle through, one after another. If it’s not one thing, it’s the next. It’s the most infuriating feeling in the entire world.
It’s so easy to say, “Don’t think about it too much.” Well if I could do that, I would.
I’m really fucking angry. I’m angry that I’m the way that I am. I’m angry that I get anxious and nervous over stupid shit and I’m angry that I can’t be normal. I’m angry that I have to deal with this stupid fucking disease, and I’m angry that sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I can’t control it. I’m mad that I can’t stop, or even slow down, the thoughts. They roll through my head like a hurricane, bashing and destroying things along the way. I’m angry that my emotions get the best of me and I’m angry that I’m shaking and crying as I type this.
Most times, I try to be accepting of my anxiety. I’ve been pretty good with that, I believe. I’ve come to terms with it. I can control it, sometimes, when it’s not that bad. But sometimes I have really hard days and I want to rip my hair out and scream and cry. Today, I’m going to let myself hate my anxiety. Today, I’m going to let myself be really fucking angry.
I’m so angry that I don’t even know where this blog post is going. I wanted it to be positive and uplifting, but you know what? Not everything has to be that way. I’m too mad to make this a positive blog post. I’m just too angry at my anxiety.
Liz understands. She understands the frustration, she understands the anger, the exhaustion, the heartache. She understands when we call each other and we both rant for hours on end. It both breaks my heart and mends it when she says to me calmly, “I understand. I know the feeling. I know it so much.” I wish she didn’t feel this way, too.
I’m thinking in circles today. Long, annoying, vicious circles. And for whatever fucking reason, I can’t stop it today. I just can’t. So I have to let it happen, and I’ll come out stronger. The anxiety may be beating down on me this week, but it won’t beat me.